Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

Whoops

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.