The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
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Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”