Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

You wish you had this many chins.

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

Kentucky names the shit out of places

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

I’m not lazy

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.