The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine