The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.