The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.