Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.