The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
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We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
(yawn)
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”