Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

If only.

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”