The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.