The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
You Might Also Like
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Getting married soon just need a spouse
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.