The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
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My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
felt cute might bury dad later idk
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Is….Is this an option?