The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
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Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Geez man, take it easy.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.