Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…