The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask