The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
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I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Best spoiler warning ever
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!