Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.