The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
we’re gonna need another temp
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
this makes me so uncomfortable
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
