The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
