The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
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HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
never ask a starfish for directions