The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
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I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Childbirth is so beautiful
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.