The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
You Might Also Like
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
I can’t wait!
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.