The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
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I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza
[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face