Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data