Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

They got Raph!

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

fun fact: nike is short for nichael