Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Remember: The first step to recovery is addiction.

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous