THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
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Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I think I’ll stand
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute