Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat