The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
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Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion