Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maths meets science

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

Saturday

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction