The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
You Might Also Like
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….