The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
You Might Also Like
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday
I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien