The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
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shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮