The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
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The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
my nickname in college
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
good work, detective
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him