The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
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I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day