The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
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“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender