Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran