Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids