The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
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It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.