@Mr_goose007

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

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@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@CodyJP9412

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

@Reverend_Scott

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

@dad_chips

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

@envydatropic

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

@Darlainky

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

@javeigh

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

@jwoodham

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

@Dadpression

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.