Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
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Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
No laws when master is gone
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
God: *creates dogs*
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.