The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
You Might Also Like
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
A completely valid reaction tbh
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Something Saturday.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.