@fillthevacuum
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
@Mr_goose007
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
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@fillthevacuum
@CodyJP9412
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
@Reverend_Scott
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
@aussiesdointhgs
No laws when master is gone
@dad_chips
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
@envydatropic
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
@Darlainky
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
@javeigh
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
@jwoodham
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
@Dadpression
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.