The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
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Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Gotta say whoever invented the potato nailed it and should be trusted to invent more stuff
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.