Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.