Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.