Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

Frog purse.

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

idk what this dog had been going through but same

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old