The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
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[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Just me?