The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
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A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Has science gone too far?
