The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
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Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
He is just living hist best little life 😊
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I need better friends
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein