The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
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I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.