The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
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A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need