The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
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Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
That’s easy for you to say
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”