Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

Show yourself some self-love.

No. Not in public.

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE