Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.