Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.