Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken