The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
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Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
They got a point!
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
