The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
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Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”