The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
You Might Also Like
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier