‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
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a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something