Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

Its true…

God tier horse name today on the sims