The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Breaking news:
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’