Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.