The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
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cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*