The premise of Batman is that, deep down, all billionaires just want to be first-year patrol cops

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Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.


I’m getting the hang of this hermit thing.
I only eat one meal a day now. It starts at 9 am and ends at 7:30 pm, but still.


You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.


My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.


[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money


I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.


This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.


Before their conflict with the Decepticons, the Autobots won a much less interesting but emotionally charged war against the Emoticons.


I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.


When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box…But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.