@briangaar

The premise of Batman is that, deep down, all billionaires just want to be first-year patrol cops

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@TheTweetOfGod

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

@L8yK8y

I’m getting the hang of this hermit thing.
I only eat one meal a day now. It starts at 9 am and ends at 7:30 pm, but still.

@notmythirdrodeo

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

@CantWaitToNap

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

@AbrasiveGhost

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

@retniw_nuf

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

@bornmiserable

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

@AristotlesNZ

Before their conflict with the Decepticons, the Autobots won a much less interesting but emotionally charged war against the Emoticons.

@k_lli

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

@CheryeDavis

When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box…But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.