“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
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Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I’m giving up ice.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.