Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

no one likes gloating

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

Never forget.

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

Matthew was born for this.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.