The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.