The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
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The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer