Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

When you “pspspsp” too hard

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

Orange cat behavior 😂

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

Good for him.

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)