Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

Woke up against my better judgment again

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

Beauty and the Beast

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids