[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
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Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Good morning, Twitter 😊
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
do horses think humans are hats
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
How dude HOW?!
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
this is me
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.