[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
who named him groot and not spruce lee
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed