Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”

Going to work bro it’s Wednesday

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Stop.

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.