Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

peeping toms

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

My safe word is Worcestershire

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.