Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

Order here:
More here:

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.